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And you begin again Sometimes you lose, sometimes you win But you begin again Even though your heart is breaking In time, the sun will shine And you'll begin again You'll begin again
Adrienne Anderson / Barry Manilow
Infertility. As I write the word, I feel all prickly. Prrricccckeeeeelllllllllly.
It’s not a bit awful. It’s a lot awful. And I know that when we actually say the word it becomes hard to swallow, harder to breathe, and even harder to stop the eyes from leaking.
Struggling to have a biological child is a complicated grief process because it's often an invisible loss. And because there are no rituals or public ways to honour these losses, coupled with cultural shame and silent secrecy, very often there is not enough talk, not enough support, not enough witnesses to the process.
Here are some very real tips for what should be packed along this journey of yours:
1.) Find your people
Cultivate your friendship group and seek support groups. The more you can neutralize (notice I am not saying normalize!) this process for yourself, the easier it will become to navigate this journey. Find those people (even if it’s just a handful!) that will meet you in your chaos and love you through it. Support groups are there for YOU and need YOU to support others through similar experiences. There is something beautiful in the space created by the words “me too”.
2.) Couple Connection
Connect with your spouse. This is their journey too. Their view may be different from yours, but their destination is the same. There’s a lot going on here! Sex becomes a chore, struggles can be shameful and not easily shared equally, fear lives with who feels at fault, financial pressures peak, and then… what does the end of the road look like for each person? It's personal, I get it. But connection needs 2 people. And 2 is stronger than 1. Be there for each other.
3.) Take Time Out
Sometimes, just do the things that make your heart sing. Even if you can’t quite hear the song, when you start singing, you will remember… go for that run, grab your favourite coffee, have a long late lunch with a friend, book into a spa, have a good cry, see a counsellor, watch a movie with a large popcorn and too much salt, weekend away with your partner… I don’t have to tell you about the positive effects of endorphins, dopamine, serotonin etc that are a by-product of all these things, do I now? YOU are important, so live like you are.
Reproductive trauma is just one part of your story, and you get to write the coming chapters. If you need help to pick up that pen, I’m here for you. I’ve been there too… and I’m still writing….
Abby